Can't Buy Me Love
by yvj
Summary: He thought there was nothing more important than money. She didn't think anyone could compare to her perfect guy. They were both wrong. JARTY


A/N I was kicking around the idea for this story for awhile and in between a two week computer malfunction and About A Ron I got a chance to get it down on paper.

So anyway I've always been deathly afraid of writing in the first person. So this is an experiment of sorts that will be mostly first person with a bit of third person thrown in every know and then.

Anyway enjoy

* * *

The weeks leading up to the wedding "incident" started off fine. Mostly due to the fact that I had no idea of the strange turn my life was going to take over the following weeks. Allow me to dip into the well of clichés and dust off the old gem of "hindsight is 50/50 or was that 20/20. I'm pretty sure it's 20/20. Well it doesn't matter if I'm right or not because I'm rich and I couldn't possibly care less. 

It was a Friday afternoon and I had just purchased a brand new camera at the only Razor's Image in Middleton. Razor's image is the trendiest place to shop. The store only caters to a rich clientele of people who like the latest in trendy electronics and appliances, like coffee makers with GPS systems, toothbrushes equipped with satellite radio and a line of personal "massagers" aimed at today's single affluent female.

So anyway back to the camera, why did I buy a camera? Obviously to take pictures, why am I taking pictures? Well this is rather complicated. I can't say there is just one reason. I got interested in this hobby more than two years ago, when I was recovering from a twelve round bout with meningitis. After the recovery I took a camera I had gotten as a birthday gift out with me for my walks. It didn't take long for me to realize I really liked taking pictures. There's just something really interesting about capturing moments that'll freeze forever in print, or digital.

The thing is, I like taking pictures of well, almost everything. When I take pictures of people, I prefer to take "natural pictures" I guess. Not candid pictures, where people don't know I'm taking their picture; but ones where they are not looking and smiling at the camera. They know I'm there taking pictures, but I get to capture a "natural expression" if that makes sense.

Alright I had just purchased the camera and oh yeah before I forget I picked up a few other things at Razor's Image as well. Those "things" happened to be two girls about my age, Kitty and her best friend Jasmine. Two very lovely young ladies who had graciously agreed to be the test models for my brand new camera

"Ladies, you don't need to pose just be yourself……be natural."

"Ok Arty"

"That's Arthur" I corrected

Unfortunately what they considered natural was to pout, purr and growl at the camera. Oh well, at least they were hot.

Those looking in on the scene might say "hey how in the world did he pick up two beautiful girls when he only went out for a camera. That stuff only happens in movies right?"

Let me tell you the plain and simple truth right now folks.

It happens to rich good looking people all the time. ALL THE TIME

Especially rich good looking people like me.

You see confidence is the key and I had it pouring out of my pores. Veni, Vidi Vici that's, my philosophy when it comes to girls. Now I don't want to brag but I (and a few broken hearted ladies who made one too many assumptions) consider myself to be a bit of a ladies man. Ok I won't go as far as to say that it comes to me naturally, because I had some help. A few years back my dad and I were having a "holiday" in California and somehow- he got invited to a certain "party mansion", where a lot of women were known to lay about au natural. It was what you call a gentlemen's party.

Being a preteen on the very brink of manhood I was not going to miss an opportunity to go to the bunny mansion for anything in the world. I hid in the trunk of my dad's limo and waited patiently for the right moment to crash the party. The thirty minutes before security managed to snatch me off my board was the greatest half hour of my life. Dad of course had a fit he forced me to apologize to…..let's call him Heff. Well surprisingly Heff was cool with the whole thing. He and I, being two worldly individuals started to "rap" about worldly things. As my dad was un-cooly hauling me back to our hotel. My good pal Heff handed me an early draft of a book he was working on. A book filled with wisdom he had collected from his many years of being THE man.

I'm not trying to sound boastful or anything but the book, my/my dad's cash flow and my natural good looks made me a triple threat.

"Who's that?" Kitty pointed to something on my nightstand. I followed her pointer finger to the framed crumpled clipping from a newspaper; a black and white photo which had yellowed over the years.

Kitty had unknowingly discovered my mother's picture, the one that had been featured in the obituary of the local paper days after she had died all those years ago. My dad had other photos of mom all around the mansion, but this was the only one I cared for. Usually I would take it out during the night and stash it away in the morning, but I guess I had forgotten to put it away.

"That's my mom" I must have looked at it with an extra amount of longing because all of a sudden Kitty was looking at me with puppy dog eyes. She must have figured it out, now I would have to explain what happened. I turned away from the picture in a manner that made it obvious that I wanted to drop the subject. I assumed she would take the hint.

"Is she dead?"

I assumed incorrectly.

"Who's dead?" Jasmine asked.

"His mom I think she's like dead."

Jasmine sighed "My poodle died recently, I cried for a week; death like totally sucks."

"Yea the world would be so much better if things didn't have to die." Kitty replied

Heavens they were stupid and insensitive, but they were hot. I double checked. Yea they were hot, really hot. They should get a pass, to err is human right.

I crouched in front of them and brought the camera to my face "Ok, ladies since we're in a playful mood how about we try a little role playing."

"Why not?" Kitty cooed

"Ok now imagine that you guys are teammates on the Olympic volleyball team. You've just beaten the Brazilian National team for the gold medal. This is the greatest moment of your life, the adrenaline of the game is still pumping through you body. You and your teammate are so overcome with emotions that you decide that maybe it might be the right time for you to kiss."

"Sure" they both readily agreed.

Oh yes they definitely deserved a pass

I was zooming in for a close-up when someone in the room coughed. It wasn't me and it wasn't any of the girls. It was Jerome my personal butler/bodyguard. Who; had the annoying habit of being there when not needed.

"Master Arty, your father requests your presence." He is also one of only two people in the world who can still call me Arty and get away with it.

About seven years ago at the tender age of ten I was nearly killed by rogue maintenance bots at one of my father's Smarty Mart stores. After that scene played out, my dad made my safety a high priority. He insisted on hiring a body guard for me, I wasn't really high on the idea but I would go along with it if I could pick a B.G for myself, I picked Jerome. He was an interesting looking dude he has a short salt-and-pepper beard and thin straight hair that is only now, in his mid-fifties, showing signs of receding. He was now wearing the typical suit and tie of the household staff.

I made a subtle gesture towards the girls with my head "I'm a little busy Jerome"

"I'm afraid that your father Master Martin insists…."

A smirk came to his face. I was very familiar with that smirk. It meant that there would be no use arguing with him, and I would be leaving the room one way or the other, by my own will power or by being carried out.

"It's been awhile since we danced old timer. We both know you've lost your step in old age."

"That is quite possible Master Arty….I'm sure the lovely ladies here would like to see you test out that theory."

I honestly believe that Jerome may know me better than I know myself. If there was one thing I can't stand in this world its losing face in front of girls. He knew, and I knew that there was more than the off chance that he would carry me kicking and screaming out of the room; and if that happened in front of the chicks I would never live it down.

"Ok let's move"

Jerome and I excused ourselves from my bedroom room and we made our way towards the other side of our mansion where my dad was waiting. A walk where if one walked swiftly might take less than ten minutes.

"Two this time Master Arty? What happened to Madame Anderson?"

Jerome also had this uncanny ability to paint potentially excellent news in a negative light "Madame Anderson and I are through, why you ask? Well Madame Anderson happens to be insane. Plus I'm eighteen I'm allowed to have fun aren't I?"

"Of course fun is……how you say "all good" when you're young but as one gets older. One needs another to how do you say "have their back."

Did I mention how annoying Jerome was? The man was chastising me for having two girls in my room. TWO….if I was in the hallways of my private school it would be nothing but high fives and back slaps.

We walked into my father's room just as he was throwing up. It was a horrific sight and things only got worse when the smell finally reaches me.

"Dad, are you alright?"

He lifted his head out of a wastebasket and I'm not exaggerating when I say he looked like death, if death had pinkish crust on its face. He looked up at me sadly before plopping back down on his bed and letting out a deep breath "Arthur my son, come here"

I knew he was sick. I had gotten memos from the staff that he had come down with the flu earlier this week. But here he was looking like he was on his death bed. He motioned me closer and I anxiously made my way towards him.

"What is it dad? Do you want me to call an ambulance?"

"Son, please come closer."

I did, close enough that I could practically taste the tiny bits of nasty crust on his lips.

"I need you to do me a favor" he said.

"What, what is it?"

"I need you to represent our family at a wedding this weekend."

At first I didn't think I heard him right so I got in closer "what?"

"Jerome, please" he coughed.

Jerome opened a drawer in my dad's nightstand and pulled out a vomit stained invitation card. He opened it up and Star Wars-esque holograms of Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable appeared to hover in the air.

Kim: (smiling brightly) I'm Kimberly Anne Possible, soon to be Kimberly Anne Stoppable

Ron: (running his hands across the back of his neck) God willing

Kim: You are cordially invited to our wedding on June……

The picture suddenly became to jump and skip around; I guess that my dad's stomach acid didn't mix well with the advanced circuitry that had to be running through the card.

Ron: Just a reminder folks make sure your heath insurance is in order.

Kim (pokes Ron in midsection) Nothing will happen this time Ron.

"This time?" I asked.

Then it hit me I recalled two separate occasions the year before where my dad had invited me to some sort of wedding. Both times of course where during a period of time when our "relationship" had been strained; not wanting anything to do with him at those moments I of course vehemently refused to go

My dad sniffed "Don't you remember. The first wedding attempt was attacked by vengeful aliens. The second one was on island that got hijacked by militants from Atlantis who wanted to ignite the islands super volcano to destroy the surface world."

That very second it seemed obvious to me that God did NOT want to see those two tying the knot. But people rarely saw things in the same light as I did.

Kim:……..At the Lazy C ranch in Clarksville Montana

Ron: I'm just trying to warn them in case something goes wrong

Kim: (sharply) Go wrong? Ron nothing is going to go wrong…Why would anything go wrong. This is the going to be the greatest day of our lives….what could possibly go wrong?

Ron: I'm not supposed to answer that question am I?

Kim: Ron and I, have waited far too long for this. We are going to get married if it kills us.

Ron: That's what I'm worried about.

Kim: (rubs Ron lovingly on the shoulder) no there's nothing to be worried about. (Looks towards the camera) Because if any of you villains even think of ruining what is supposed to be the most memorable day of our lives, after the birth of our future children I will personally hunt you down and teach you what the word pain really means.

Ron: (pauses) my future wife ladies and gentleman. I might as well say that any and all lasers, blasers, ray guns, or phasers are prohibited and will be confiscated by Global Justice who will be handling security this time around.

Kim: Third time's the charm……

"You cannot expect me to go."

"You've got too, we've been cordially invited. I can't make it, so you'll have to represent the Smarty family."

Ron: Another saying is three strikes and you're out.

Kim: What's with all the negativity?

Ron: Look obviously I want this to happen, but what I don't want to this see is it ending up as a wedding and two funerals

Off screen voice: Guys maybe we should start over.

Kim: No way Wade this is the thirtieth take; this is the one that's going out. The invitations should have been sent out a week ago. This wedding is happening!

Ron: Alright, things are getting a little tense around here. We need some positive energy.

Kim: That's all I'm asking for.

Ron: Ok KP I know you really want this.

Kim: I do

Ron: So do I……alright I'll be positive. This is going to go off smoother than a baby's bottom. We'll finally be able to make our commitment to each other official

Kim: Thank You (They kiss)

Wade: (Sighs)

Kim: I'm glad you changed your mind.

Ron: (grins) Will I just realized that no wedding means no honeymoon night,

Kim: (smirks) Oh so I guess the pre-wedding "break" was a good idea then.

Ron: (inches closer) Yea but it's been so hard

Kim: Really?

Ron: It's like torture, like being punished

Kim: (softly) it's been hard for me too.

Ron: I can't wait for the honeymoon

Kim: I'm already there.

Ron: (licks lips) Yea what are you wearing?

Kim: The Sheela Teddy

Ron: Ohhhh what am I doing?

Kim: Well your hands are…….

Wade: (clears throat) Guys uh were still rolling here.

Kim: Oh

Ron: Right……Wade you might want to do a little editing later

Wade: No problem, that'll be my first priority.

Kim: Ok let's uh wrap it up, because you have shared in our lives  
by your friendship and love, we…..

Ron: Ron Stoppable and

Kim: Kim Possible

Ron: Together with our parents, invite you to share, the beginning of our new life together.

Kim: When we exchange marriage vows on Saturday….…(Hologram skips) June four… (skips) at three o'clock in the afternoon. At the Lazy C Ranch near Clarksville Montan.. (skips)

Having gotten the point I shut the card before turning to my dad "You might as well ask me to parachute into Afghanistan draped in the American flag. It's like ridiculously suicidal to show up at this wedding."

He started coughing up, for a second there I thought he would have hacked up a lung "I don't remember Team Possible saying it was too dangerous for them to save your life. The least you can do is show up at their wedding. "

He got me there. My father didn't become as wealthy as he was without knowing how to negotiate.

"No need to worry for your safety Master Arty I will of course be accompanying you."

"Ok fine I'll go but only on one condition." I paused for dramatic purposes "from now on everyone stops calling me Arty."

"But you love that name."

At this point it should be obvious that my father and I, well we don't talk much. In fact we've gone through seven separate periods of time where we didn't say a word to each for at least three weeks.

"Well I believe I've grown beyond that name, don't you think so?"

I waited for someone to agree but no one did. "I'm not going anywhere unless we have a deal."

He hung his head down slightly and his eyes kind of glazed over a bit "But your mother…."

I jumped in before he could finish "I don't care anymore alright, just call me Arthur...my name is Arthur." When I was done there was a lump in my throat the size of basketball and my stomach was pulling off Cirque du Soleil type back flips.

Again more silence, but this one had a different feel than the first. It wasn't as much awkward as it was sad. Not "pathetic sad" just plain sad, the kind that makes you want to cry a little.

Thankfully no one did.

"Fine" he extended out his hand and I shook it "alright it's a deal. You've become a shrewd negotiator Arthur."

Jerome butted in "He's a chip of the old block."

"You better believe it's in his blood." Dad suddenly stopped and started sizing me up. Like he was seeing me for the first time in years "You're growing up right before my eyes Arthur, I want to say I won't miss your rebellious adolescence but the truth is I will."

My dad was in the middle of a sneezing fit by the time I left the room. An odd feeling came over me when I walked out, I should have been content with my victory. But something about the end of the conversation definitely rubbed me the wrong way.

"Master Arthur I assume you will be returning to your lady friends."

I thought about it, but I was no longer in the "mood" so to speak. It may have been the sight and sounds of my dad emptying out his stomach that turned me off or it may have been something else entirely. I don't know why but right then and there I felt really low

"Nah tell them I won't be able to make it. Make something up I don't care. Just make sure they're gone by the time I get back to my room"

"Or you could be a real gentleman and let them know yourself"

"Yes I could, but I don't have to be a gentleman, because my father can afford to hire people to be gentlemen for me."

"Very good sir"

He turned away and left me alone with my thoughts, which would be the only things keeping me company for the rest of the night.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

If you've known me atall you'd know that when my left big toe starts to itch then trouble is coming soon and its coming hard. Well that morning my toe was itching like there was no tomorrow. Looking back on it I should change my name to Nostradamus because I was right on the money.

Anyhow my big toe was itching but I didn't heed its call for two reasons. The first is I reckon I've never shied away from trouble; fact is sometimes I've gone looking for it. The second reason was that at the moment I was waist deep in embarrassment.

"Come on now Jocelyn don't be that way, it's just a ladies store. You're a lady right?"

This was coming from my best friend Linda.

It wasn't that I was embarrassed to be in a ladies store, ok maybe I was a little. But I was really embarrassed about what was sure to come, it was preemptive embarrassment.

"Now what kind of bra have you got on?" She asked me.

You see preemptive embarrassment. I knew it was coming, like a bird sensing a coming storm.

"What?" I said.

"Your bra what's it made of?"

"Well I reckon it's made of white cotton."

Linda's face scrunched up like a cross old woman's "Plain cotton…..like plain vanilla."

"What's wrong with plain vanilla?"

"There's no excitement with vanilla, and there's no excitement with cotton bras."

"What are you talking about? What's exciting about the bra itself? Isn't it what you do with the bra that's exciting, they're just there to hold things in place while horse racing or…."

"I meant exciting when it comes to boys, if you want to be exciting and meet boys than you'll have to chuck the cotton and get yourself some lace."

Let me explain about Linda Lockhart, she's my best friend, but she's boy crazy or more specifically wedding crazy. The main goal in her life is to get married and it's been like that way since she was a tiny tot. That's how it was with all the Lockhart females and Linda was a true Lockhart through and through.

"I don't know" A quick glance around the store revealed that we were the only two people present and that did a lot to ease my mind but not by much. Especially after Linda handed me a frilly piece of underwear that would show more than it covered.

"What if someone sees me in here and tells my dad?"

"Tell him what? That you're a grown woman? You're going to be eighteen in just a few weeks! And you've never had one date; the wedding might be your last chance to meet yourself nice boy. You could be missing out on your destiny"

Linda was prone to exaggeration.

"I'm not aimin to get married anytime soon Linda."

"Well you want to at least have a boyfriend right? You like boys don't you?"

I do, sorta, I mean I wouldn't have minded having a boyfriend; the thought had crossed my mind a few times. But up until then it wasn't a pressing issue for me. Awhile back my cousin Kim had said to me that she liked boys "sometimes" Over the years I came to understand what she meant. I had others things to concentrate on, like my school work, helping my dad on the ranch and world saving. Though being holed up in Montana I never really got many chances to save the world. But that didn't stop me for thinking about it, all the dang time.

My hands were shaking for heaven knows what reasons, so I tossed the transparent dental floss onto a shelf "It's my cousin's wedding not a singles bar, how would it look to her and the rest of my relatives if I went around flirtin' with boys. It'll be embarrassing"

She crossed her arms over her chest "I don't think that's the problem, I think you don't want a certain person to see you flirting; even though he couldn't care less because he's about to get…."

"That's it." And that was it; before she could finish I had made my way to the exit.

Once I was outside it suddenly became easier to breathe. It was a beautiful day outside and there were a lot of familiar face on the street today. Clarksville was still considered a small town, but it was growing rapidly every day. In the years since my dad had moved in, the town had grown from 2000 neighbors to about around 18,000 strangers. But even with the extra inflow of people it's still a great place to live.

"I've never heard of a lady who's scared of wearing ladies wear."

Linda had finally found her way out of the store, and she was back on my case "I'm not scared."

"I guess every dog has to have a few fleas"

Linda really knew had to irritate the heck out of a gal. We might not get along at all if she didn't happen to be my best friend for close to a decade.

We started off down the street and I tried to concentrate on other things but with the big wedding looming it was hard to put my mind on anything else.

"Life ain't only about school and crime fighting. Sometimes you need to slow down and let yourself get kissed."

"I'll get kissed when I get kissed" This was about the twentieth time this month that Linda and I have had this conversation. One of the hundreds we've had over the past few years and I still haven't learned to ignore her.

"You won't get kissed if you don't take the time to have some romance in your life. Stop giving Cupid a moving target."

I let out a sigh "Linda if Cupid showed I'd be more then happy to open my arms and let him take aim."

"I doubt it."

We came up to a crosswalk and we stopped "is that right?"

She eyed my curiously "you know I've heard rumors that Bob Erwell has been asking about you"

"Bon Erwell?" I scoffed "Everyone knows he's more slippery than snot on a glass door knob."

"Ok, then Frank is throwing a little shindig on Sunday…."

"I'm busy" I said quicker than even I expected.

"Now you're just lying like a no legged dog."

I can't blame her for thinking that way after I jumped the gun like that. But that still didn't mean I felt the need to continue this conversation.

"You know Joss if you compare ever boy to _him_. No one's going to be good enough for you"

Thankfully at the moment I remembered that Lockhart's were tremendous gossips "My dad was telling me this morning that Mrs. Clarke hasn't come out of her house for two weeks, do you know anything about it?"

"Of course I do" she sighed "She's gotten ill because Muffin's gone missing."

"Muffin her dog?"

"Yep, there have been rumblings from Mr. Clarke himself that she's spent the better part of last week crying up a storm. Joe Monroe caught Mr. Clarke last week nursing a pint and wondering who his wife loved more, him or the dog."

She loved the dog more.

Everyone knew it except for Mr. Clarke. Well he knew now; or maybe he already knew and that's why the dog had to "disappear." Him wondering aloud at the bar could have been an act to throw off suspicion…..Wait a second.

I turned to Linda "Didn't Mr. Johansson's rotweiller disappear last month?"

"Oh yea"

"……And Mrs. Beamers poodle a few weeks before that, and Johnny T Junior's retriever before that."

"You're right."

A rash of mysterious pet disappearances had been going on right under my nose and I hadn't spotted it. This was definitely something I had to look into. It was about then that I realized I was getting way too excited again so it was probably best that I think about something else "Anyway isn't Ms. Belle supposed to come into town today?" I tossed that out as casually as possible.

"That ole' loon, Jesse May did say she and her mom would be back early this week."

"I think I'll drop in there and see how's she's doing."

Ms. Bell is the town eccentric which is quite a feat when one is living in a town full of eccentrics. I make sure to drop by her antique store any chance I get because it is always an experience.

"Hello darlings!" Ms. Bell greeted us when we walked through the door. She was a real southern lady, dewy skin, flowing dress, winning smile, and the unforgettable southern drawl.

"Howdy Ms. Bell, Linda and I thought we'd stop by and see you and Jesse May."

"You're both so precious to think of us." She smiled.

A part of me greatly admired Ms. Bell for her elegance and grace; but what really impressed me about her was that not only was she the personification of a lady, but she was also a die hard archeologist.

Yes I know; that is quite a bizarre combination.

"Come here sweeties and take a look at this, I just came back from the Middle East with a few new trinkets."

Her store was filled wall to wall with "trinkets" or more specifically ancient pottery, sculptures, jewelry, and artwork from all over the world. All of which were in some form or another female related. And supposedly she had gathered all these trinkets on her on. She was like Indiana Jones if Indiana Jones was a southern dame who grew up on a large farm in Louisiana.

She reached behind the store counter and pulled out a large golden box encrusted with all kinds of sparkling jewels.

"Now this here chest used to belong to an Ancient Middle Eastern priestess by the name of Qadeshah."

"Qadeshah?"

Swiftly Ms. Bell produced a massive book she seemed to pull out of the air itself. She flipped to an ear marked page and gave us our first look at High Priestess Qadeshah, a beautiful woman standing in a garden of earthly delights.

The footnote under the picture read:

_Qadeshah: Her voluptuous and seductive body is draped in a cream-colored cloak that tantalizingly reveals her tempting flesh. She often carries flowers and a brilliant white evening star crowns her. She is typically seen in a beautiful garden crowded with fruit-laden trees. Her garden is lit with the gentle rays of the setting sun and wild animals rest peacefully in her presence. "Qadeshah" means both "whore" and "holy woman._

"She's gorgeous" I gasped.

"She's beautiful" Linda declared

"She's also an avenger" Ms. Bell replied cheerfully "Legend says that once spurned by her lover Qadeshah vowed revenge on all men and she created a secret society of female followers to….

In the middle of the tale there was this loud crash and my head whipped towards the noise. The first thing I noticed was the broken bowl on the ground, then my eyes fell onto the tiny specks of blood surrounding the broken pieces of clay. The bloody specks were coming from a bloody hand; the bloody hand was attached to the arm of none other than Ms. Bell's daughter.

"Jesse-Bean you clumsy girl."

"Sorry Ma."

Jesse was our age and a miniature version of her mother, a brunette with ivory skin and deep blue eyes. But while her mother could be outgoing when she wanted, Jesse was unbelievably shy. In place of her mother's elegance and grace, Jesse had awkwardness and clumsiness in her repertoire. But don't get me wrong she was right friendly, and I can't I don't enjoy her company. Especially those not too rare days when I had more than enough of my daily dose of Linda.

"What happened to your hand?" From where I was standing the cut in her hand didn't seem that deep but there was a good amount of blood hitting the ground

She quickly placed her hands behind her back "I got bit" she was now looking as nervous as a long tailed cat in room filled with old ladies in rocking chairs.

"You got bit?"

A queer look came over Ms. Bell's face and she jumped right into my field of vision "now Jesse-bean don't you lie I know you playing near old man's Crawford's fence again weren't you? You know the barb wire there is dangerous."

Jesse didn't say a word as her mother inspected her hand. "I told you to be wary of that fence, now run along to the back and fix yourself up with the first aid kit."

Wordlessly Jesse went through a door behind the counter into the back room of the store.

"She'll be alright." Ms. Bell grinned "now where were we darlings?"

"What's in the box?" Linda inquired

Ms Bell paused "I'm not sure, there's no keyhole opening for the chest or any other opening that I can see; it's closer to a puzzle box than anything."

"Why don't you break it open?"

Ms. Bell glared at Linda as if she was mad "my goodness hun; that would destroy the antique, I could never do that."

Jesse returned misty eyed and sniffling.

"Now Jesse-bean don't be like that, you're a strong proud woman, just like….like Joss here" she smirked "or her cousin Kim, who's a shining example that all young ladies should look up too."

"Oh that reminds, my cousin Kim is going to get married on the fourteenth. I'm sure I can get you in as my guest if you'd like to attend."

The room suddenly got real quiet. "How wonderful" Ms. Bell declared after much hesitation. "I'm sure a smart lady like Kim would choose a wise partner for this patriarchal tradition of subjugation."

Now needless to say that caught me by surprise. Not knowing how to reply to such a statement I didn't, Linda spoke up for me.

"She's marrying Ron Stoppable ma'am."

"Who?"

Now this just about riled me up. How could you not know who Ron Stoppable was? He was with Kim all the time; she couldn't save the world without him and vice versa. Now I'm ashamed to say that at one time I didn't appreciate his enormous contribution to Kim's success but its there, you can see it if you care to look. But most people don't care to look; sometimes newspapers don't even bother to spell his name right

"He's the sidekick ma'am."

"The sidekick" Ms. Bell placed her hands under her chin and I could only assume she was trying to recall the "sidekick"

I was tempted to announce that he was more than just a sidekick, but I caught Linda staring at me. I could tell she knew I was upset. She had a good knack for knowing what's on my mind. And the heavens know she would use it against me.

"Oh yes the blonde gentleman. I seem to recall that he's quite the passive, unmotivated and even tempered young man. That's quite all right."

Note to self; call Kim up and tell her that she has gotten Ms Bell's blessing, and she could proceed as planned.

"Yes that's quite all right;" Ms. Bell placed her hands on her hips "well girls I believe I can't have all yall monopolizing all my time, yall have to mosey along now."

She ushered us through the door before handing Linda and I Middle Eastern beaded necklaces. "Now all yall remember to stay up and stay strong. Jesse-bean don't talk to any of the town boys, and don't let them touch you, you know where."

Like I said eccentric

Jesse kept her eyes lowered to the ground "yes-um"

"And stay away from Beatrice's café she uses Miracle Whip on her sandwichs."

"I like Miracle Whip." Linda said.

"Of course you do sweetie you were born in the Midwest and it shows. But for those of us from below the Mason Dixon line only real mayonnaise will do."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"_Ok, settle down, settle down……Let's try to get things back on track ok?" The therapist ran a damp cloth along his forehead. "Martin, please continue."_

_Martin Smarty's eyes flickered from the therapist to his son who was sitting on the other end of the couch. "All I'm saying is that I'd just appreciate a little bit of respect. How do you think I feel when my employees tell me that my own son is organizing protests in front of my stores?"_

_Arty jumped off his seat "It's not my fault that Smarty Mart is a tool of capitalist oppression." _

"_Capitalist Oppression you're twelve what do you know about capitalist oppression?" Martin exclaimed._

"_I know that Smarty Mart __employees don't make enough to support their families….It's a well known fact that_**_ t_**_he average two-person family needed $27,948 to meet basic needs in the last year, well above what Smarty-Mart reports that its average full-time associate earns. Smarty-Mart claimed that its average associate earned $9.68 an hour……_

_Martin groaned "Oh no, here comes the statistics"_

"_And, and…Smarty Mart is bad for the environment. Two years ago Smarty-Mart reached a $2 million settlement with the State of Vermont for allowing improperly stored pesticides and other pollutants to pollute streams."_

_Martin Smarty placed his hand on his face "I keep telling you that was a management error it was a fluke."_

"_They sell pacifiers with lead in them."_

"_Now that's just a lie, if you weren't my son I'd sue you for slander." Martin glowered at the therapists "what am I paying you for, you're supposed to be fixing him."_

"_Now, now" he cleared his throat "maybe a little role playing."_

"_NO!" Martin and Art shouted in unison._

'_Ok, ok listen try to remember to use your inside voices" The therapist skimmed through a few note cards. "Ok um Arty it says here that you've got something to tell your father."_

"_Yea I do" Arty clutched his skateboard tightly against his chest "Dad I'm thinking of becoming a scientologist"_

_Martin's eyes went wide and the room felt as if it had dropped thirty degrees in temperature. "Ok I've had enough" Martin stood up, reached into his suit and pulled out a cell phone. He dialed a number and ignoring everyone else in the room he began a conversation._

"_Yeah, uh, I think it's time. Yes just roll it out in front of Dr. Hughes's office….uh-huh I want it over here five minutes ago." He snapped the phone shut and slipped it back into his suit. _

"_I think things will be fine from now on." There was a brief of moment of silence as Martin Smarty plopped down on the couch with a smile on his face_

"_Are you going to stop dumping…." He was interrupted by the roaring of a revving car engine._

"_What's that?"_

_Martin gestured towards the window "why don't you check for yourself son?"_

_Arty peeked through the window and his eyes gazed down upon a silver Jaguar Convertible that gleamed brightly under the sunlight. _

_He mouthed a silent "wow"_

"_What do you have here?" Martin Smarty said as he approached from behind. "Hey is that a $50,000 car I see. I wonder who it's for." _

_A man in a dark suit and a Chauffeur's cap held up a sign that read "Happy Birthday Arty."_

_Arty's skateboard fell to the floor but he didn't seem to notice "But it's not my birthday"_

"_Who cares?" Martin exclaimed "What don't you take it for a spin"_

"_But I don't have a driver's license and I don't know how to drive" Arty stammered. _

"_Don't worry about that" Martin whispered to his son "I know a few judges"_

"_I'm…but….what about the employee….families."_

"_I'll run your ideas past the board of directors. I promise."_

"_Yea, run that across the board, that's a good idea" Arty stammered._

"_Oh did I fail to mention that it's got all the latest video game systems hooked up to the back seats."_

"_Oh man" Arty turned on his heels and ran towards the door. _

"_What about the environment?" Martin shouted after him to no avail. He continued to peer out the window until he saw his son burst out of the building and embrace the hood of the car._

"_You see money can buy happiness" Martin told the therapist_.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I woke up suddenly and I found myself on my father's private plane. I was coming off a weird dream and I was bit disoriented. I sat up in my seat and tried to regain my bearings.

Jerome who was sitting at the other end of the plane must have noticed me shifting around "Are you alright Master Arthur?"

"I'm fine"

I sat there for a moment staring quietly at my bodyguard's beard trying to make sense of things. I was wasting a Saturday flying up to Montana to attend a wedding I didn't want to go to and on top of that I've been in a dark funk since the night before.

"Are you sure you're feeling well young master?"

"Cripes yes I'm fine" Leaning back in my chair I suddenly noticed how incredible empty the plane was.

"Listen Jerome you've known me for along time right?"

"Around seven years"

"Have I changed?"

Jerome crossed and uncrossed his legs, coughed and then he ran his fingers through his beard "well, I wouldn't say that you've changed its more like you moved past the rebellious adolescent phase."

"Rebellious adolescence? My dad said the same thing last night what does that even mean?"

"Well young master you were quite the spirited lad, running about trying to make the world a better place."

"You mean I cared about stuff?"

"I wouldn't have put it quite so eloquently but there is some truth to that. You had a lot on your young mind back then. Now you sleep in past noon, go to celebrity parties. You used to where rags and now you…..

I look down, right now I'm wearing a one hundred percent Italian hand tailored suit

"….. and you spend vast amounts of money on things you don't need."

"No at all."

"Should I be ashamed of the way I live now?"

"Of course not, you've been blessed in this life you should enjoy it."

"Exactly Jerome, exactly:" My attention then went out the window.

About five minutes later Jerome interrupted my sky gazing "We'll be landing soon, there will be a limousine waiting for us at the airport and from there I shall drive us to Mr. Stoppable, and Miss Possible's wedding."

"Mr. Stoppable's wedding …..I'll tell you something you can do a lot worse than marrying Kim Possible."

"A lovely woman I'm sure."

"Yea"

Then it dawned on me that I was showing up without a wedding gift. I'd look like a cheap fool if I showed up without a gift.

"We can't go straight to the wedding Jerome we'll have to stop at the nearest town first."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

With dad off to Helena to check on some of the preparations for the wedding I had some time to myself. I took the opportunity to make some inquires around town and I've come to discover a number of pets and cattle have gone missing over the past couple of months.

Alright it wasn't world saving but it was something. A minor something but it was something nonetheless.

"Joss Possible are you listening to me?"

It was about then that I realized that I was standing in the middle of Oasis, one of the few hangouts for young people in Clarksville

"I am now" I said.

"And you're to close to the pool table"

I glanced over my shoulders to see a fella with a pool cue waiting patiently for me to get out of the way so he can line up his shot.

'Sorry about that." I swiftly moved out of the way.

I followed Linda to the front counter where Jesse May was currently doing her best impression of a shadow at high noon. She held two cans of coke in her hands and offered one to each of us.

"You shouldn't have." I remarked

"It's my pleasure" she replied in that sing-sing southern drawl.

It wasn't unusual for Jesse to treat us to all kinds of things. Now I've no problem accepting gifts of friendship but sometimes I get the sense that Jesse feels obligated to treat us. Like these soda cans were tributes, payments for her to remain in our company. I've done my best to treat her as an equal but up until now I don't seem to be making any headway.

"Joss the wedding is almost upon us. Showing up at a wedding dateless is a major faux-pas."

"Faux-pas? Linda won't your dad be upset if he hears "fahrn" words coming out your mouth. Besides I'm sure my family will be fine with it. For once Linda why don't you put your mind on your own social life?"

"I do, I have a date for the wedding I have had dates period. I don't think you can say the same for yourself…..."

Linda continued to rant, and boy she could go on longer than Lent if she set her mind to it. She was pretty fired up at the moment so it would be hard to tune her out. I needed something to drown her out and help me think and relax, plus my big toe had started itching like mad again.

The jukebox in the corner of the room caught my eye so I skipped towards it.

"Joss, just give me the word and I will find a boy for you." Linda began to scan the room "not him, not him, no, no, ewwww, slim pickings today."

"Ma says that boys just want to separate you from your panties and not call you the next day." Jesse said suddenly with more than a tinge of childlike innocence in her voice

There was a quick exchange of glances between Linda and I and we both found ourselves momentarily speechless

"Uh huh" Linda said eventually "some boys are like that"

I let the issue slide and started flipping through the box's song cards. I figure that there was nothing I could say without sounding condescending. Thankfully the box had the King, and a live version one of my favorite songs, so I fed it a few coins.

_This next song was recorded by Frank Sinatra and it was uh called My Way…I don't know the words to it so I'll have to read, if you don't mind._And now, the end is near; and _so I face the final curtain. My friend, I'll say it clear, I'll state my case, of which I'm certain._

"I love Elvis." Jesse exclaimed.

"I wouldn't want to meet the person who doesn't."

Elvis was hitting his groove and my thoughts shifted to how I could start investigating the case of the missing pets. I was sorting through the more suspicious types in Clarkesville when Linda grabbed me by the shoulders."

"Joss you need to keep focus on the now or you'll miss out. Always keep focused cuz your prince is on his way."

"Well what if he got hit by a pickup truck on the way over. How long am I supposed to wait on him then?"

"Oh no" Jesse interjected "if it's really meant to be he'll make it. No matter how many things go wrong. No matter how many obstacles come between, he'll find his way to you and you'll be together forever for sure."

I couldn't help but smile not only at Jesse's speech but at the disbelief on Linda's face. Neither of us had any idea that Jesse had been this idealistic all along. I bent down to scratch at my big toe when I heard Linda gasp.

"Who's that?"

I stood up "who?"

"There in the Navy suit." She said in slack jawed admiration.

I followed her eyes to a boy who looked to be around our age. Light blue eyes, adorable freckles under both eyes, think brown hair, and a face that was more than easy on the eyes. Everything came together at ease when he looked into the room. Well everything about him worked except for the ridiculous looking skull cap that was on his head.

I could hear Jesse sucking in large amounts of air "he's pretty"

"I don't think that's a compliment most guys would like to hear." Before I could turn away I felt a slight jab at the base of my spine.

"You feel that?" Linda jabbed me again "That's your DNA saying "this one."

"I don't think so."

I returned to the jukebox but against my better judgment I couldn't help but look back at skull cap. Hands in his pockets he surveyed the area, his eyes flickered in our direction and it stayed on us for a second or. Through peripheral vision I could see Jesse try to gradually slither her way behind me.

He walked into the room ignoring the various come-hither looks from the various females in the general area. Skull cap sauntered towards the front counter where the owner of Oasis was taking orders. It wasn't that hard to figure out he wasn't from around here. He had city life written all over his face.

Feigning disinterest I returned to the jukebox and I dunked some quarters. As of this moment Elvis was the only man I was interested in.

"Well?"

"Well what Linda?"

"I think he was looking at you"

"Sure he was"

"Go talk to him."

"Why, obviously he's not from around here, he's probably just passing through."

"You won't know until you ask him."

"You're not getting it Linda I don't care." I couldn't help but be irritated so I may have sounded a bit rough to her.

But of course Linda took it in stride "I think you're scared."

"Scared? I'm not scared…." Before I could finish replying to the slight against my pride the owner suddenly brushed past us and pulled the plug on the jukebox.

"What's going on Earl?" Linda asked.

"Sorry ladies this here jukebox doesn't belong to me anymore. It's just been bought."

"Bought by who?"

"The fancy city boy over yonder, he just laid down more money than I can get from this tinbox in five years."

There came another sharp jab on my backbone "he's got money too."

Linda was making it impossible for me to ignore her "I said no"

"I'm not asking you to marry him just see if he'll be around long enough for the wedding. You can take him as a date and then dump him after that."

I rolled my eyes at least I hoped I did, I don't really know because I can't see myself but it seemed like the type of situation where I'd naturally roll my eyes.

"That would be shallow. I'm much more mature than that"

"No you're not; you're just too chicken to cross the room."

There were some insults that can slide right off me like water off a ducks back, being called a chicken isn't one of them. We were now at a point where Linda was challenging me outright, and I had a powerful habit of not backing down to a challenge.

As I was contemplating how to approach the stranger, he somehow managed to sidle up beside Jesse.

"Excuse me" he said.

I saw Jesse jerk her head up and stagger backwards like she had caught the full force of him unprepared. Then someone, I assume Linda pushed me forward until I was only inches away. He appeared to be studying my face a little too closely and I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable.

"Do I know you?"

At first I wasn't sure if this was one of those pickup lines you hear about or a sincere question. If it was a pickup line it wasn't very good, though I can't say I didn't feel a bit flattered.

"Have we met?"

"I can't say that we have"

"You sure" He bent closer "You look like somebody I know."

"I can't say the same about you."

I don't know why I said it; I'm not usually that rude to strangers. But there was something about him that had me feeling like I was on the lot of car dealership. I always had my guard up around used car salesmen and the like. It was something I must have picked up from my father. He was naturally not inclined to trust those who might be selling something he shouldn't be buying.

He furrowed his eyebrows a bit and straightened. I guess he wasn't expecting this type of small town hospitality.

"Ok" he shrugged indifferently and his eyes flickered from me to the air deprived Jesse May. A smirk came to his face that was akin to a carnie looking over a room full of rubes. He winked at her and I swear she was aimin to faint right there in the middle of the room, but surprisingly she just stuck out her hand, palm down, to him.

"My name is……."

"Jesse-bean!"

The shout came from the exit. There staring down at us like a mad dog was Ms. Bell and my toe was itching like crazy.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Montana, land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, dirt, and very little else

It was the early afternoon when we got into Clarkesville which by the way would never ever be mistaken for Paris. Clarkesville was as small as a credit card. Nevertheless I couldn't walk into that wedding without a gift, so I walked into the first building I could find and lo and behold someone was playing Elvis.

How unexpected that someone in this cow town loved the King. I checked the place out and it was some kind of kiddie pool hall where all the townies must have hung out. I noticed that the King----of thieves was coming from a jukebox in the corner.

I needed a wedding gift; there was a jukebox in the corner. The future Stoppables probably liked music right? So why not?

First impressions were pretty important to me so I shuffled into the Oasis like I owned the place and if any one looked at my funny I'd tear it down and build a Smarty Mart over it.

This was incidentally something I could have done rather easily.

Already my "better than thou" attitude was garnering me some attention from some of the cow gals

"You own the place" I shouted at the old guy behind the counter.

"Yes sir I do" he answered.

"I want to buy that jukebox in the corner."

He gave me a strange look that I could only assume was some expression of disbelief "I'm afraid that's not for sale."

Discreetly I reached into the inner pocket of my suit "how much do you want for it?"

"I'm not sure you heard me right. I've had that jukebox for years it's got sentimental value. And even if it was for sale I doubt you could affor---

I pulled a wad of bills held together by a thick rubber band and dumped it on the counter in front of him. "I think that'll be enough."

He stared down at the roll of jack like a deer in the headlights "I don't know" he muttered.

"Those aren't ones" I told him and his face lit up like a Christmas tree "like my pa always said the customer is always right. You can take it now if you want."

"Right, that's the thing I need it delivered to the uh Lazy C ranch ASAP." I scribbled down the address on a piece of paper and handed it to him.

"Now I don't know about that."

I added another wad of jack to the first one "those aren't tens either."

The old dude finally got the message and he waddled over to that jukebox faster than he's probably moved in years. He rushed towards the jukebox and started unplugging things left and right and calling people over to help him.

That's when I saw her for the first time, and I was immediately swamped by waves of déjà vu. The fist thing I noticed about her was her eyes, because quite frankly there wasn't much in the chest area to draw my attention. There was something vaguely familiar about her but I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

5'5, 113 pounds dark red hair cute face, her hair was tied back, and she had a very healthy, country girl look about her. By all rights she was worth a closer look at the very least.

She was in a group with two other girls and as they were preoccupied with the owner I strolled up beside them.

"Excuse me"

The jittery brunette almost fell over backwards when she saw me and before I could say anything the red head stepped right into my face. This caught me off guard, but since she was so willing to give me a close-up I took my sweet time in trying to place her face. Eventually I got around to asking her if we had ever met and the attitude she gave me was less than friendly.

You'd think I had stolen her family's prized pig or something.

Normally I would have called the ice queen out but I wanted to get out of dodge as quickly as I could. If I stayed in town any longer a square dance might break out and I might find myself "partaking a bit o moonshine" before the day was out.

Before I could turn away I noticed the shivering brunette pretending not to be batting her eyes at me. I eyed them both and discovered quite the interesting contrast, the brunette I could tell was definitely better at being a girl. On the surface she had a modest sweet disposition that would make a guy comfortable around her, and it made her more approachable. A pleasant, refreshing difference from the self-righteous "I don't need you" attitude the red head was putting forward.

Suddenly the brunette pushed her hand out at me, I guess she expected me to bend over and kiss the back of her hand like a scene out of Gone with the Wind. Well I was no Rhett Butler and she definitely was no Scarlett O' Hara

"My name is Jesse….."

A shrill shout came from behind me "Jesse-bean!"

"Mama!"

"What are you doing young lady?"

"I wasn't doing nothin'ma"

I watched in wonder as "ma" rushed toward me in a state of fury. I was tempted to call out for Jerome but she roughly brushed past me and grabbed her daughter by the hand. "What did I tell you about strange boys Jesse? What have I told you since you were just a baby bean?"

Her daughter in tow she stopped right in front of me and our eyes met "you, I know your type. You keep away from my Jesse-May."

What could someone possibly say to that? That's right nothing; I said nothing, I kept my mouth shut until crazy lady and her daughter were out the door.

Jerome walked in about three seconds after she left.

"Oh hey Jerome you're a little late, you missed out on all the small town fun."

"Is there something wrong Master Arthur?"

I wasn't going to dignify that with an answer.

"Let's get out of here" I told him "these hill folk are nuts" We walked to the door and against my better judgment I looked back at the red head; I still couldn't get over the déjà vu vibe I was getting from her.

Jerome must have caught me looking because he said "always on the prowl for some pretty ankle eh sir?"

Pretty ankle? Somehow we must have gone back in time without me noticing.

"No way, trust me girls like that you have to avoid. You'd damn near have to conqueror the world to get close to them. Besides you know I don't look twice at girls sporting less than C's"

And that's how my first adventure in Clarksville came to end.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Here's what happened after we left Clarkesville.

1) We got lost…..The GPS system in the limo malfunctioned. Which should have been no problem, Jerome had a military background right? Turns out his combat expertise had always been curtailed by one minor weakness. His bad sense of direction.

2) We drove around and around and around until the limo got stuck in a large mud hole. We had to abandon the car.

3) We discovered that there was little to no cell phone reception in the middle of nowhere. I cursed my father for not having the foresight to install the limo with a satellite phone. I made a mental note to switch cell phone companies.

4) I tripped over a tree's roots and landed in what was hopefully mud. I probably would have seen the roots if I wasn't running in a blind panic. Jerome soon reassured me that he didn't hear any banjos playing and that I had a far from "purty" mouth.

The moon was up by the time we miraculously stumbled onto the Lazy C ranch where we were to discover that the wedding was not scheduled on the fourth but on the fourteenth.

"What?"

"Yep" Slim Possible announced "I'm sorry you came all this way for nothing but you've come ten days too early for the wedding."

"But…..I….what….are you sure?" I asked.

"Sure as rain"

I took a moment or two to regain my normal breathing patterns before asking for a ride back to the airfield.

"Now heck, you traveled so far, you need to clean yourself up and its pitch black out there. Why don't you two spend the night?"

That was actually the last thing I had wanted, spending a few more hours under the big Montana sky

"I don't know."

Jerome placed his hands on my shoulder "a wise man should know his own body"

Before I could ask what he thought I should know about my body that I didn't already know, I suddenly felt really exhausted. And dirty, that mud had gotten in everywhere.

"Come in, a friend of Ron and Kim's is a friend of mine."

This cowboy was a little too friendly and that almost made me double back but my legs wouldn't allow me to turn around.

"Thanks a lot sir."

"No problemo, now you fellas follow me and I'll find you someplace to hunker down. We'll sort things out in the morning."

I was about to thank him again when a flash of red entered my field of vision.

"Dad I was wondering if…."

She stopped; I stopped "what are you doing here?" We both said in unison.

Slim scratched his head "you two know each other."

No we didn't know each other yet, that would happen soon enough, I'd get to know her alright; her and the trouble she and her family constantly, CONSTANTLY attracts.

* * *

A/N Hope you liked it folks, lots of feedback is always great for a first chapter. 


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